Servanthood
These months with my China girls, since they came end of last year, I think I’ve learnt a lot. Done a lot of things I never really quite thought I’d do, or could do. And it seems I’ll be doing a lot more that now I couldn’t even imagine myself doing. Sometimes it’s amazing the way things in life happen. A lot of times the way the Lord does things strikes me really, really dumb. (as in I’m dumbstruck, not the things God does are dumb)
First thing, Fangxiang told me I got six girls. The day to meet them itself became four. When we reached the hospital Pastor Hee Guan gave me three. Fine. Numbers don't matter, right? I’ll just take care of whoever and however many God gives me, and do my best, that’s what’s important right? And then none of my three turned up. If not for Cynthia’s girls I might as well just go straight home. Now, come to think of it, it wasn’t such a big deal. But at that time it seems so … big. And I asked God, “Lord, don't You want to bless me?” Why would it seem He wanted to bless everyone but me? There could be some reason but I certainly couldn’t see it.
Second day after going out with the girls, after a long, long day out, doing so much, talking so much, so super-exhausted, next day some more, that night, at the chalet, with only 5 hours sleep left, God had to choose that time to ask me this big question I couldn’t answer. And He asked me, “What if I simply want you to serve Me, no matter under what circumstances? What if I want you to work hard and serve hard and in the end I’ll still give all the girls to Cynthia? Would you still serve with your best and love your hardest? Just for Me?”
That night I couldn’t sleep. Not even knowing I’m real tired, there’s a long day ahead, and I’m not going to get much sleep at all if I don't fall asleep like immediately. I knew I wouldn’t get to sleep until I answered His question, I knew I never would let myself sleep with something like that hanging. Somehow it bothered me why He would want to do such a thing, and I kept asking Him. Then I started wondering if the fact that He said something like that to me, does that mean He’s going to do it, and He’s giving me warning, or He’s not really gonna do it, just testing me, or what? And then I started thinking, if I’m thinking such thoughts, what does that say about my motivation in serving? Perhaps I have some mixed motives somewhere, which I knew He wouldn’t like, so I tried hard then to examine my motives. I thought hard. I asked myself, in certain circumstances, what would I do, and why would I want to do that? I got stuck on the why. I couldn’t figure. I didn't even know my own motives. Was there some impure motive somewhere? I thought harder. I really don't know. It’s giving me a headache. I gave up.
Then I started thinking, if given I have mixed motives, what should I do? Give up? Wouldn’t it be better not to serve God with the right motives than to serve Him with the wrong ones? But wouldn’t that mean that the “share” of work in His kingdom that’s given to me wouldn’t get done? Wouldn’t that be detrimental to His kingdom? At least it means one less harvester! So wouldn’t it be better if I at least do the right things, whatever my motives? But would the right things done with the wrong motives really benefit His kingdom? Would He let such a thing happen? So I shouldn’t. And I should serve, but only with the right motives. But I can’t even figure out my own motives, how on planet earth would I ever know! It seems to me I won't even ever know whether I did things right or wrong, with the right or wrong motives, I couldn’t find out. And so, what should I do now?
That’s a great deal of faulty thinking, but I decided at that moment I really didn't have any more energy to think of motivations. I thought I’d just do whatever I have to do first, and figure out the motives later, if I could. That’s the best I could do at the moment. I couldn’t do more …
And He asked me again, “Would you still serve with your best and love your hardest? Just for Me?” I asked myself why I would want to do what I do in the first place. If in the end it’s just burnt away as dross, what for? In the end, what’s most precious to me? If I spent my life doing what I think is lots of good, but not for the Lord, it wouldn’t count. What do I really want? That I did know. Whatever I get or don't get, whatever I do or don't do, God’s love means the most to me. What do I want most? To know Him and be with Him forever. Would I do a lot of things for which I would get nothing, I wouldn’t do that for a lot of people, honestly. But for Him, oh yes, I would. Just for Him. So I told Him, though it was so hard to say, “Yes, Lord, I, will. But, only, for, You.”
What He meant was that He wanted my unconditional best. Or rather, I already had the condition, and it was the only one He would promise. And it was the only one I wanted. If He didn't love me, I wouldn’t. Honestly, I don't think I would. Not even though He is God. Unless He coerced me, I supposed.
But He did love me. And He loves me so much so much. So I would. Yes I would. For the Lord I love, just for Him. And then? And then I found that at last I could sleep. I had about 3 hours left and better hurry up.
First thing, Fangxiang told me I got six girls. The day to meet them itself became four. When we reached the hospital Pastor Hee Guan gave me three. Fine. Numbers don't matter, right? I’ll just take care of whoever and however many God gives me, and do my best, that’s what’s important right? And then none of my three turned up. If not for Cynthia’s girls I might as well just go straight home. Now, come to think of it, it wasn’t such a big deal. But at that time it seems so … big. And I asked God, “Lord, don't You want to bless me?” Why would it seem He wanted to bless everyone but me? There could be some reason but I certainly couldn’t see it.
Second day after going out with the girls, after a long, long day out, doing so much, talking so much, so super-exhausted, next day some more, that night, at the chalet, with only 5 hours sleep left, God had to choose that time to ask me this big question I couldn’t answer. And He asked me, “What if I simply want you to serve Me, no matter under what circumstances? What if I want you to work hard and serve hard and in the end I’ll still give all the girls to Cynthia? Would you still serve with your best and love your hardest? Just for Me?”
That night I couldn’t sleep. Not even knowing I’m real tired, there’s a long day ahead, and I’m not going to get much sleep at all if I don't fall asleep like immediately. I knew I wouldn’t get to sleep until I answered His question, I knew I never would let myself sleep with something like that hanging. Somehow it bothered me why He would want to do such a thing, and I kept asking Him. Then I started wondering if the fact that He said something like that to me, does that mean He’s going to do it, and He’s giving me warning, or He’s not really gonna do it, just testing me, or what? And then I started thinking, if I’m thinking such thoughts, what does that say about my motivation in serving? Perhaps I have some mixed motives somewhere, which I knew He wouldn’t like, so I tried hard then to examine my motives. I thought hard. I asked myself, in certain circumstances, what would I do, and why would I want to do that? I got stuck on the why. I couldn’t figure. I didn't even know my own motives. Was there some impure motive somewhere? I thought harder. I really don't know. It’s giving me a headache. I gave up.
Then I started thinking, if given I have mixed motives, what should I do? Give up? Wouldn’t it be better not to serve God with the right motives than to serve Him with the wrong ones? But wouldn’t that mean that the “share” of work in His kingdom that’s given to me wouldn’t get done? Wouldn’t that be detrimental to His kingdom? At least it means one less harvester! So wouldn’t it be better if I at least do the right things, whatever my motives? But would the right things done with the wrong motives really benefit His kingdom? Would He let such a thing happen? So I shouldn’t. And I should serve, but only with the right motives. But I can’t even figure out my own motives, how on planet earth would I ever know! It seems to me I won't even ever know whether I did things right or wrong, with the right or wrong motives, I couldn’t find out. And so, what should I do now?
That’s a great deal of faulty thinking, but I decided at that moment I really didn't have any more energy to think of motivations. I thought I’d just do whatever I have to do first, and figure out the motives later, if I could. That’s the best I could do at the moment. I couldn’t do more …
And He asked me again, “Would you still serve with your best and love your hardest? Just for Me?” I asked myself why I would want to do what I do in the first place. If in the end it’s just burnt away as dross, what for? In the end, what’s most precious to me? If I spent my life doing what I think is lots of good, but not for the Lord, it wouldn’t count. What do I really want? That I did know. Whatever I get or don't get, whatever I do or don't do, God’s love means the most to me. What do I want most? To know Him and be with Him forever. Would I do a lot of things for which I would get nothing, I wouldn’t do that for a lot of people, honestly. But for Him, oh yes, I would. Just for Him. So I told Him, though it was so hard to say, “Yes, Lord, I, will. But, only, for, You.”
What He meant was that He wanted my unconditional best. Or rather, I already had the condition, and it was the only one He would promise. And it was the only one I wanted. If He didn't love me, I wouldn’t. Honestly, I don't think I would. Not even though He is God. Unless He coerced me, I supposed.
But He did love me. And He loves me so much so much. So I would. Yes I would. For the Lord I love, just for Him. And then? And then I found that at last I could sleep. I had about 3 hours left and better hurry up.
posted by judith at
11:22 pm
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