growing pains

I think I've got a bad habit of living in the future, fearing the things that are going to happen even before they do. When actually when they do happen not so scary one.

I'm real scared of growing up. Which is weird cause people have mostly treated me like I'm more or less adult more at least a couple of years. But I'm still scared.

A lot of the things happening around me, not so much to me, but to the people around me... or happen to me also...well, they're good things, but they make me feel ... so responsible.

I like my current tune a lot, it puts me in a contemplative mood, very suitable for write journals and thinking things over. :>

I feel like, since my parents are growing older, I ought to start to gradually take care of them rather than them taking care of me. On the family side, one of the most important things I want to see in my life is my family coming to know Christ. And I feel I got to ... be a good testimony or something, which I am not.

I know my parents actually never really REALLY heard the Gospel. They shut their minds to people as soon as they get started. I feel like I'm the one person they wun totally shut their minds to, cos I'm their daughter, and anyhow they do want to know what's happening in my life. They're the people I love most, yet when I come home so tired, after spending so much time and effort on others, I find I don't have anything to give them anymore, I just want to shut myself in my room and be quiet. They're the people I care about most.

My sis said this strange thing about believing in Jesus. If I know her well enough she's talking about believing Jesus exists. I desperately want to ask her a million questions, tell her a millions things. At least find out what she really means. It's very impt to me. But I don't dare. I'm scared. Partly I'm scared of being too eager, and chasing her away, but I'm also, well, just scared. Maybe it's just too impt. I wish I could just pray that her Christian friends would bring her to Christ, she seems to have a large number. But how could I not do anything?

On the ministry side, everyone would envy me, I think. Some blur girl who knows nothing, God would bless with so much fruit. And it's not even like I did what. But I feel very responsible. Not just for my own cell, for the cluster open cell. Which is why I'm always bugging people about this and that, all the boring details. I think, I really think they are a bit sick of it, but what can I do? If I dun do it, who will? I certainly dun mind. As in dun mind other people doing it for me. I feel responsible for each of my gals, to know what's happening in each person's life and at least be there for them, even if I can't really help them. I feel responsible for creating an environment in open cell where new people would feel comfortable. I feel responsible to help Huili and the rest to learn to lead cell, help them with their girls. I feel responsible for all those names on the consolidation list under my name, although I really don't know what to do with them, I dun even really know them as people. I feel responsible for those who have left church, I know I should have taken better care of them. I feel responsible for all the people I didn't follow up from last year, they might not have received Christ, but they were very open to me. I dun want them to feel I stopped being their friend because they weren't Christians. That's not even counting my outreach group this year. I would want to, well, just give up, let them be. Dun even care whatever fangsiang or ps hee guan or whoever thinks what anymore. But I can't. If I did I feel like I've let God down because I never even really tried. But I really dunno how to start trying now.

Already I'm doing a lot of planning. For the next prc event, for next year. I bet you all those other people never thought about it at all yet. They dun even realise Mid Autumn is soon. That's why I have to worry, that's why I feel so responsible. Because if I dun do it, well, it just isn't going to get done, and someone's got to do it! I think I'm a Martha. Sometimes I think Huili is a Mary.

Even these couple of months I'm not working, I've never been really really free. Maybe that's the kind of rest I wanted. Not just no job, but no need to worry about anyone, anything for at least a couple of days. Now, I just spend lots of time thinking about other people's lives, or worrying about my own future.

I want to be a good teacher. I guess this time is better than last year. At least I've got some ideas what I want to do, some goals. I think that will help. But I'm worried too. All these people that I want to do something for. There must be a hundred of them, I should do a head count. But I don't just want to spend one minute with each of them, I want to really be in their lives. How on earth am I supposed to be in the lives of so many people?

Oh, I know, I'm not God, I dun want to be God. It's just all these things lying in front of me. You mean I can't dun do them meh? How? Can I say I have too much to do? Then what? Ignore my parents? Dun go for my own cell meeting which I'm supposed to lead? Pretend my girls are not having problems? Refuse to get up to go to school to teach next time? What? Cannot? So how? Do lah. So how? Then have to do become doing too much, cannot cope, shouldn't get too busy, etc. Then how? Do also cannot, dun do also cannot, what do I do????

I feel like my own life is getting beyond me. I only know, now, these 2 weeks I do as much as I can the things before starting school, so when school starts dun have to worry about those. How to cope when school starts? No idea. If God doesn't bail me out I'll just drown. I dun have a choice. I dun want to go back to letting quantity take over quality, but I dun see how.

Nowadays people seem to think I can do a lot of things. They seem to really think I know how to be encounter guide. Can't believe them. I have no idea at all. Dunno what on earth I'm going to do when I get there.

I ought not to complain. I'm having the best of almost all worlds. All the worlds that really matter to me. I'm not saying I wun do it. I want to do it. All those things, I want to do one. I want to serve God. I thank Him for how everything worked out. Everything has worked out beautifully. I just go have a good cry before each of the things I have to do that I'm scared of, standard procedure. I hope I'll still have the time to cry next time. And then I tell Him I can't do it. And then I ask Him for strength and tell Him I trust Him to do it. And then I tell Him how scared I am and that I can't do it, all over again. And then I get up and do it. At most I do lousy and feel stupid. I suppose it won't kill me.

I love my God. I love my family, my ministry, I love the people God has given me. I love the plans He has for me, I want to do the things He's making me do. I ought to be very happy indeed but I only know how to cry.

I'm just having growing pains.