School Days
Haven’t read email and do all those internet things for ages. I hope nobody’s mad at me for forgetting something or other. Think I’m very apathetic these days, which is not like me. And yet very needy. Very, very needy. I wonder why. Is it my work environment? I don’t want to be apathetic.
So many things happened. Haven’t written about them. Sometimes I write for people to read. Sometimes I write to keep a record for myself. Sometimes to clear my head. And now I wonder, why should I write? Or not write?
Don’t have time to write. So many times so many frustrations. Just go to sleep. In the long run that’s not good for me. But sometimes you just can’t write when so many things are waiting for you to do them. Or you think they’re there waiting for you to do them.
Sometimes just want to be alone. Wish to be alone. Like in school days when at least once in a while you get time to be alone, even if it’s just exam times when you have to spend time alone studying.
Like getting some peace and quiet. I can’t say I haven’t grown, I have learnt lots of things. Learnt to talk. But at what price? Not at the price of peace, is it worth it?
But then I thought I couldn’t cope with such a schedule at the beginning. But now it doesn’t look that bad. Or at least doesn’t look so killing. Survivable.
But I can’t live to do. Lord, I really need You to tell me what to do. How to live? Do everything? Not do everything?
Sometimes even when I have time to be alone I just do some things, waste time. Too stoned to do anything else. I think I’m still finding my balance, haven’t found it yet.
I don’t just want to do things. Even if it looks like a constructive life and I’m doing meaningful things. I want to walk with the Lord. Closely. I want to really serve people, lovingly, not zombie-ly. I want to be passionate about what I do, not let it become a routine. I want to believe in what I do, even if people look down on it, or it doesn’t fit the world’s standards about what’s worthwhile.
Sometimes I think I need a little retreat, a little peace. I do. But that’s not the real solution, I need an everyday, on-going relationship with Jesus. He’s my rest.
So many things happened. Haven’t written about them. Sometimes I write for people to read. Sometimes I write to keep a record for myself. Sometimes to clear my head. And now I wonder, why should I write? Or not write?
Don’t have time to write. So many times so many frustrations. Just go to sleep. In the long run that’s not good for me. But sometimes you just can’t write when so many things are waiting for you to do them. Or you think they’re there waiting for you to do them.
Sometimes just want to be alone. Wish to be alone. Like in school days when at least once in a while you get time to be alone, even if it’s just exam times when you have to spend time alone studying.
Like getting some peace and quiet. I can’t say I haven’t grown, I have learnt lots of things. Learnt to talk. But at what price? Not at the price of peace, is it worth it?
But then I thought I couldn’t cope with such a schedule at the beginning. But now it doesn’t look that bad. Or at least doesn’t look so killing. Survivable.
But I can’t live to do. Lord, I really need You to tell me what to do. How to live? Do everything? Not do everything?
Sometimes even when I have time to be alone I just do some things, waste time. Too stoned to do anything else. I think I’m still finding my balance, haven’t found it yet.
I don’t just want to do things. Even if it looks like a constructive life and I’m doing meaningful things. I want to walk with the Lord. Closely. I want to really serve people, lovingly, not zombie-ly. I want to be passionate about what I do, not let it become a routine. I want to believe in what I do, even if people look down on it, or it doesn’t fit the world’s standards about what’s worthwhile.
Sometimes I think I need a little retreat, a little peace. I do. But that’s not the real solution, I need an everyday, on-going relationship with Jesus. He’s my rest.
posted by judith at
1:46 am
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