I wish I were stupider
I'm writing in this journal everyday now, it seems. Though it's hols now, I hardly get to spend any evenings at home. Not the last two, and not the next few either. The first will be this Sunday. I'm not complaining, I would rather do this than work. There's two service learning projects on my agenda, it makes me wonder how on earth I came to be involved in them. Being still "social work" at heart (yes, Cindy is right, though I don't often say this), I ought to be happy service learning is all the rage now, but somehow, the term gives me a bad taste of sorts. Maybe I have some misconception somewhere.
The thing I forgot to say yesterday, was after hearing my friend say so much about how glad she was to be learning so much from skilled and experienced professionals, it brought me back and intensified my realisation that I'm not that kind of "professional" person. All those professional image things gross me out. I don't have any objections against other people being professional, it's probably a good thing, it's just not for me. That's why all those professional talk, whether for teachers or social workers or church work, it just goes over my head. I just wish I needn't have anything to do with it, if I have to I try to endure it. The thing that gets to me is when people expect me to participate actively somehow, and judge me accordingly if I don't, or even if I don't do it every enthusiastically or well. Sigh. How do you be enthusiastic and do something well that you hate? But it's expected all over the world.
Sometimes I wish I've been born stupider. Then I wouldn't be going to Uni, I'll just have a technical/administrative kind of job, and be happy doing what I do, with no one expecting strange things like "professionalism" from me. I'll probably earn less, but I won't have any Uni loans to pay off. And I'll be used to it, so I won't miss what I never had, same as I don't envy people who are now richer than me. I won't know so much about computers and stuff, so I won't be unhappy not having money to have a laptop and stuff. I'll have friends who all eat/shop at cheaper places, wear more casual clothes, so I'll be comfortable doing the same in that world. Maybe more, cos I hate make-up.
But I dare say the grass is always greener on the other side.
The thing I forgot to say yesterday, was after hearing my friend say so much about how glad she was to be learning so much from skilled and experienced professionals, it brought me back and intensified my realisation that I'm not that kind of "professional" person. All those professional image things gross me out. I don't have any objections against other people being professional, it's probably a good thing, it's just not for me. That's why all those professional talk, whether for teachers or social workers or church work, it just goes over my head. I just wish I needn't have anything to do with it, if I have to I try to endure it. The thing that gets to me is when people expect me to participate actively somehow, and judge me accordingly if I don't, or even if I don't do it every enthusiastically or well. Sigh. How do you be enthusiastic and do something well that you hate? But it's expected all over the world.
Sometimes I wish I've been born stupider. Then I wouldn't be going to Uni, I'll just have a technical/administrative kind of job, and be happy doing what I do, with no one expecting strange things like "professionalism" from me. I'll probably earn less, but I won't have any Uni loans to pay off. And I'll be used to it, so I won't miss what I never had, same as I don't envy people who are now richer than me. I won't know so much about computers and stuff, so I won't be unhappy not having money to have a laptop and stuff. I'll have friends who all eat/shop at cheaper places, wear more casual clothes, so I'll be comfortable doing the same in that world. Maybe more, cos I hate make-up.
But I dare say the grass is always greener on the other side.
posted by judith at
1:58 am
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