Leaders...
Leaders. Somehow I always get stuck with them. Even though I am never one of them. In Pri School I wanted to befriend the ‘prefects’ clique’. They never let me. They didn’t want me. Anyway I wasn’t a prefect. There were lots of other people in the class who wanted to be my friends. But I was one of those idiots who love those who hate them and hate those who loved them. I seemed to prefer following the leaders as an outcast.
Chinese Orchestra. I wasn’t one of the committee. They didn’t elect me. People normally don’t. But somehow I got mixed up with the leaders again. Oh, this time they accepted me. Their sub leaders were gone after graduation. I took over. Somehow the leaders were the people who cared. About the job I mean. And the rest couldn’t be bothered. It was usually like that over the world. I cared, but I wasn’t one of the leaders. Somehow I ended up making friends with these people.
In VJ, the Comp Club. I told you nobody in their right mind ever elects me, but somehow, I had to be their one member who did turn up for event preparations. The rest didn’t. And yes, only the leaders did. The leaders and me. I even turn up for their committee meetings. Only to wait for them to finish. Cause the leaders there are my close friends. They were my close friends in the first place, before they became leaders of this club.
There are other small cases. S43. They weren’t official class leaders, but they were obvious ones. They were the ones I was close to in the class, and yes, I wasn’t one of the class leaders. My VJ cell. If I were the only member who turned up, I won’t even dare to tell them, I came to help. Told them I came to study in school. But at least with them, this ‘leaders and me’ thing rarely happened.
Now what? I think I could have been one of the leaders in my psy class. I think I was. I couldn’t be bothered. Classes only last for half a year. And classes aren’t important to me. Well, it’s true that I only gets stuck with the leaders when I could be bothered.
I’m really quite used to it. From DHS, when the leaders have some meeting or other to go to, I just hang around, or find something to do. In VJ, I wait around when the comp club exco has their meeting, I surf net or something, or turn off computers for them so they get off earlier. Qingyu they all even took me into Leader’s Meeting, when there was one and they realized they couldn’t stay around with me until service. They were quite open about it. I was the one who felt rather embarrassed to be there. People don’t usually do that. Who on earth volunteers to go for meetings? I wouldn’t do that but that I really had nowhere to go. And I was curious. Qingyu told me it was ok for a cell leader to ‘invite’ a cell member for leader’s meeting. It sounded very logical, until you remember that I wasn’t her cell member. And that everyone sitting behind us (which was all the TF pastors) knew that.
It does bother me when the only people who turn up at some meeting or another from my cellgrp are Anqi and Xiangyu. And me. For goodness’s sake, they are the leaders. Do you want to get stuck with leaders again? I don’t need to make Anqi think, wah, this girl very ‘on’, come for meetings. For goodness’s sake, she told me she regarded me as one of her ‘regular members’ about two months after I knew her. That was what I was good at doing. I was good at turning up.
That wasn’t hard. Told you I was good at it. How else do you think I got into trouble, ‘owing’ Anqi ‘leading one warfare’? Cause I dumbly let Joy ‘challenged’ me to go for SLTC. And that because I turned up, for too many discipleship classes, too many cellgroup meetings. Maybe if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have … gotten into trouble. And maybe because I told Joy the wrong things, or the right things. Anyway certain things.
Sometimes I do think, why couldn’t I just be on one side or the other, either the ‘leaders’ or the ‘members’? And I’m not talking about church. I’m talking about everywhere. But sometimes I think back, do I really want to be on the ‘members’ side? The thing is that I’m really not one of them. There are some things I couldn’t not be bothered about. And do I want to be on the ‘leaders’ side? What do you think? But I am not. I am not.
Chinese Orchestra. I wasn’t one of the committee. They didn’t elect me. People normally don’t. But somehow I got mixed up with the leaders again. Oh, this time they accepted me. Their sub leaders were gone after graduation. I took over. Somehow the leaders were the people who cared. About the job I mean. And the rest couldn’t be bothered. It was usually like that over the world. I cared, but I wasn’t one of the leaders. Somehow I ended up making friends with these people.
In VJ, the Comp Club. I told you nobody in their right mind ever elects me, but somehow, I had to be their one member who did turn up for event preparations. The rest didn’t. And yes, only the leaders did. The leaders and me. I even turn up for their committee meetings. Only to wait for them to finish. Cause the leaders there are my close friends. They were my close friends in the first place, before they became leaders of this club.
There are other small cases. S43. They weren’t official class leaders, but they were obvious ones. They were the ones I was close to in the class, and yes, I wasn’t one of the class leaders. My VJ cell. If I were the only member who turned up, I won’t even dare to tell them, I came to help. Told them I came to study in school. But at least with them, this ‘leaders and me’ thing rarely happened.
Now what? I think I could have been one of the leaders in my psy class. I think I was. I couldn’t be bothered. Classes only last for half a year. And classes aren’t important to me. Well, it’s true that I only gets stuck with the leaders when I could be bothered.
I’m really quite used to it. From DHS, when the leaders have some meeting or other to go to, I just hang around, or find something to do. In VJ, I wait around when the comp club exco has their meeting, I surf net or something, or turn off computers for them so they get off earlier. Qingyu they all even took me into Leader’s Meeting, when there was one and they realized they couldn’t stay around with me until service. They were quite open about it. I was the one who felt rather embarrassed to be there. People don’t usually do that. Who on earth volunteers to go for meetings? I wouldn’t do that but that I really had nowhere to go. And I was curious. Qingyu told me it was ok for a cell leader to ‘invite’ a cell member for leader’s meeting. It sounded very logical, until you remember that I wasn’t her cell member. And that everyone sitting behind us (which was all the TF pastors) knew that.
It does bother me when the only people who turn up at some meeting or another from my cellgrp are Anqi and Xiangyu. And me. For goodness’s sake, they are the leaders. Do you want to get stuck with leaders again? I don’t need to make Anqi think, wah, this girl very ‘on’, come for meetings. For goodness’s sake, she told me she regarded me as one of her ‘regular members’ about two months after I knew her. That was what I was good at doing. I was good at turning up.
That wasn’t hard. Told you I was good at it. How else do you think I got into trouble, ‘owing’ Anqi ‘leading one warfare’? Cause I dumbly let Joy ‘challenged’ me to go for SLTC. And that because I turned up, for too many discipleship classes, too many cellgroup meetings. Maybe if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have … gotten into trouble. And maybe because I told Joy the wrong things, or the right things. Anyway certain things.
Sometimes I do think, why couldn’t I just be on one side or the other, either the ‘leaders’ or the ‘members’? And I’m not talking about church. I’m talking about everywhere. But sometimes I think back, do I really want to be on the ‘members’ side? The thing is that I’m really not one of them. There are some things I couldn’t not be bothered about. And do I want to be on the ‘leaders’ side? What do you think? But I am not. I am not.
posted by judith at
2:40 am
