Being a friend . . .

Went out with Jingyu this evening. As I watched her leave for the bus stop after that, I just thought 2 things. One that I'm very tired, the other that I wish I could give her a little more as her friend.

And the Lord said to me, that I can't simply keep on loving her quietly like this. I cna't take care of her forever. What I can give her is just not enough. She needs Him. Only He can be that everlasting love for her and give her real joy and happiness.

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Writing this on the 27th, asked Odette for service last Saturday. Talked to her a bit, not much, but did tell her what the Lord told me. She's coming for service this week. She volunteered to! and she told me this song last week really touched her.

Maybe the Lord is doing something in her heart. Must remember to pray for her.

Jigsaw

About end of March, Delia came to church office 5th floor to work also. Sometime, she told me she had an untuned guitar with one broken string. So I told her why don't you bring it someday, I'll string it and tune it for you, I've got some strings.

So she did. And while I was fixing her guitar, out of the blue, I just asked her whether her cellgrp needs a guitarist. She said yes and we struck up an agreement, that I would play guitar for her cellgrp for at least a while.

It was a few days after that, that I heard her telling somebody that she had asked God for a guitarist for her cell. I remembered that about one year back, when I was first learning guitar, I had this idea, sort of thought, that Delia was leading worship in a cellgrp and I was there, as her guitarist.

At that time, that scene seemed very probable. We were in the same cellgrp. But after her cellgrp multiplied and she became the leader of the other cellgrp, I just sort of dismissed the idea.

And this year it came true! During that couple of months in her cellgrp, I learnt a few things. I learnt a lot about leading worship, by watching Delia, cause I had to pay her attention and catch what she means and what she wants. I learnt how to be the person encouraging people ( though I din do it very well ), how to be one of those who takes initiative to pray for others during ministry time, the person who assists the cell leader and helps her control things at odd times, cause all Delia's cell members are rather young Christians.

Well, my point in the first place is this: I learnt the guitar to play for worship and to learn to lead worship. Delia needed a guitarist. So...what do you get when you put 2 needs and prayers together? Well...the Lord put those 2 together and out came 2 answered prayers. I think it's really neat the way God did it.

同在

This year I cried a lot. Really, really a lot. And I love it. There were times I did cry because I felt confused or sad. But the thing is there were a lot, lot more times when I cried because of something the Lord said, or because I felt so thankful, or simply because... He was there.

Found it quite funny actually. As in strange. I always thought when you see someone you love, you’re supposed to be happy. So why on earth do I burst out crying when I see the Lord? I am very happy to see Him... anyway, I dun mind. I’d rather cry. He’s worth more than all the tears in the whole world. Anyway.

A few milestones and notes to continue with. Just a few scraps that I remember:

The Lord somehow taught me to be so dependent on His ‘feeding’ that if I didn’t spend time with Him the previous day, it’ll actually show on my face the next day. If it’s for a few days, I’ll literally wilt. It shows in my behavior too. I act different. The only reason why people don’t see the difference is they didn’t know there was supposed to be any. And not spending time with the Lord makes me... tired. And unable to function somehow. Like someone denied rest or food. I do try to hide it from other people, but I feel it very much.

The Lord taught me about asking for His presence. He told me the attitude He wants.

Not a dun-care attitude. “Lord, come if You want to...” I don’t remember the other attitudes which He saic were wrong. But I do remember the one He accepted. It goes like this.

It must be a humble, willing attitude, that is willing to surrender everything to God, and willing to let Him do what He wants to.

It must be a passionate, thirsty attitude that really longs for His presence and wants Him.

I remember this time when He really showed me what He wants, step by step. The first ‘attempt’ when I started asking Him it went something like this.

“Lord, I’m really, really tired. If You want me then... You must come and get me. I can’t do anything.”

Cannot.

“Lord, do You want me? If you do, won’t You come to me?”

Cannot. Again and again. About 4-5 times until at last. “Lord, I want You very much. Please come”…something like that. It’s more of the attitude rather than the words.

The other thing He taught me: Don’t grab. By the way, I love to grab. Esp. when I really want something.

There was this time when I was in God’s presence and I told Him, that somehow I feel as though I want to grab His presence and swallow it. And He told me... well, that it doesn’t work this way. In the first place, His presence is much, much, much too great for that. In fact, it works the other way round. I must surrender and give myself to Him, and let Him ‘eat’ me up, not try to ‘eat’ Him up. The word is ‘consume’. Sometimes, I do feel quite... 'consumed’. Now, I know what people mean when they say the Lord is a consuming fire.

There was this other time when the Lord’s presence came, after I haven’t been in His presence for quite a while. I stood there and I just kept worrying that He’s going to leave, I got myself so nervous and the Lord told me to stop worrying. He said, with a lot of emphasis, “I won’t go.” So, He taught me like, don’t stand there worrying your head off. The Lord is here, just relax and enjoy His presence.

Many things I have lost, many things I have gained, in these few years, that may seem so short to same. This has never changed...

Immersion

Going to write a lot of the things that happened from the beginning of this year. The thread, the main story line that weaves itself through all the events, happenings and everything else is this: that the Lord planned each and every little part and put each one of them in place, one by one, not a single step missing, each one somehow linking up with the previous one and ..."qiao miao-ly" leading up to the next one. He laid everything out perfectly and ready,and walked each step of the way with me.

About 2 or 3 weeks after my 'A's, I was surfing the net looking for a job. Somehow I bumped into the TTC website and clicked on ministry opportunities just for fun. I was thinking of reading something or another about tentmakers rather than about the temporary job I was looking for. But I did see this bit on the page where they were asking for admin assistants. Somehow it struck me that I should try calling some of the telephone numbers given there.

Ok... the descriptive detail part is really getting too long. I'll just have to stop ALL of it. Anyhow it took many phone calls and connections and quite a bit of waiting. The wage rate was low and the idea (of me working in a church office) preposterous. But somehow, I knew I wanted the job. For no reason I could say. So I waited and hung on.

I did ask the Lord to put me where He wants me, open doors and everything. And I asked Him for two things if He did want me to work in the church office: opportunities to help and opportunites to learn. I have only one word to describe the way He answered this prayer. Abundance. Very, very literally.

All through the six months, I felt as though somehow the Lord has programmed me, like a computer, to be a sponge. Not to suck people dry, but to absorb. From anywhere and everywhere, anyone and everyone, I just kept learning tons and tons in everything I do, such that I started feeling strange I should be collecting a wage for it.

I still remember. All my friends hated their jobs. I loved mine. I love sitting in an office where they play Christian music, where I could assume, that each person who walks in and out not only calls him/herself a Christian, but really loves the Lord. I love being able to start talking to anyone assuming that the person shares the same values I have, knowing that no one within a mile is going to start saying something funny or rude about my God. It's all just so......comfortable.

I learnt that I'm not the only person on earth who wants to hide in some corner at odd moments, just to talk to the Lord for a while. Pastors, those on course, they all do that. Well, I discovered I was normal after all these years.

When the temporary staff (plus me) get together to 'eat snake', well sometimes we do talk crap together, but most of the time, someone will just grab a guitar and we'll all have impromptu worship. These are people who just couldn't leave God out of their conversation.


When I went upstairs to the second floor and worked in the Facilities Dept in March, it was a different group of pastors, a different group of admin staff. But these were still people who laughed at me and made me laugh. Who taught me some things when they talked to me and a great deal more things in the way they did things and dealt with the people around them. I learnt to really, really live with these people, not just to survive, but to love to be around them, and enjoy their company immensely. I think I once said this to the Lord, "Lord, I think I've fallen in love with Your people."

It was only later that I realised the whole thing was an immersion scheme of sorts, that the Lord planned the whole thing, yes, to let me learn a lot of things from His people, but also just to teach me to live with His people. God wanted me to live with His people, as He said, so much that He practically planned an immersion program tailor-made for me! It was kind of an experiment. The best part of it was that it worked! He made sure of that.

Updates

From primay sch, I was always a sort of compulsive reader. I just read a lot, especially fiction. No junk or anything really bad, just story books. But it got quite bad, a little like a stronghold, because I could waste so much time reading and do little else. (quiet time, homework etc). There were a few times I actually made myself fast from reading.

Anyway, after my 'A's exams, well it was just 'poof' and suddenly, I dun even quite know what happened, anyhow I just don't read like that anymore. One result from this is that I find a lot more time on my hands. And the Lord made sure He made good use of this time. Thank God.

One thing suddenly happened. After all this time, 5 years, I never figured out why or how, but I did figure since the Lord chose to plan it this way, it must work really well somehow. I can go to church!

Dun really know what happened, only this. I told myself I'll ask my dad again whether I can go to church after 'A's. Only this time, dunno why, I didn't ask, "Can I go to church?" as I usually did. I just said, " I'm going to church on Sunday with my friends."

And he looked at me. he didn't say anything. The look in his eyes said a very pained, reluctant yes. It was a lot of pain and reluctance in the yes. If not for the Lord, I should probably have submitted to this pain. I love my dad. I don't want to ...wish I don't have to hurt him. But in a way, if you choose to look at it this way, I chose at that moment to hurt him. It was all too important to me. And I did really think and I still do that this would be the best thing to do, for everyone, so I put down the pain and reluctance, held on to the yes, turned and walked away.

Yah, and from then on, I could go to church. Anyway, too many things that weren't supposed to get into this book got in, a lot of happenings. Anyway, too many things happened and I did learn a lot from all of them.

Now I'm going to get on properly with this year.

Mid-night Oil

Realised I haven't written in a looooong time, even though the last entry was just in May. Because tons happened.

Writing this one day after my maticulation in NUS. There's lots to tell before reaching this point in time. It was only these couple of weeks that I could really look back on these 6 months of holiday that I've looked forward to all through JC2, and see the big picture. Really I see how God planned, just each and every single thing, every step of the way, and took me the whole way, walked with me, taught me, scolded me, protected me..well, there's no way i can finish this list. Anyway, you get the point.

I'd better start from the very beginning of this year, or rather the very end of last year, to link up. Esp. all the stuff I missed out in the entries for this year, all the things I needed a further perspective to see. OK, I summarise the 'A' level exam period a bit. Guess it was this period of time, I learnt to depend on the Lord more. In fact to depend on Him and need Him such that I don't dare to go anywhere without Him. I know that's good.

Remember all that studying period when I lived at night and slept in the day. I was never lonely, though it does get a bit quiet at night. The Lord was just such great company. Yah, and we watched.....not the sunrise, can't see that from my window, just the whole sky turning from black, to blue, lighter, then bright morning!

It's such a quiet miracle, almost like nobody ever notices it, it's the time when everybody wakes up and starts rushing around to begin yet another busy day. And nobody notices the wonder, of the whole land turning bright, darkness fleeing from light. Yet our beautiful, loving God does it quietly and perfectly everyday, day after day after day. and everytime I see this, I asked the Lord that He would make it light in every heart of every person, just as He does for the land, in a way all of us simply could not do, with all the lamps and fires we have, for hearts or for physical places, in His own perfect way.

Ok! I must stop being so long-winded. But there is this thing I must write. Many times during the prelims and 'A's, I was really quite scared. For these exams, this time, i knew that's it. I might make it. I might not. but the Lord always went with me. Yah, So I made it through.

And there was this night before the prelims econs essay . Somehow that was the scariest paper, I quite studied, but in the early hours, I nearly got so scared I didn't dare to go to school. As in really don't dare to go at all. And I just kept asking the Lord, "Father, go with me", "Father, you must come with me, ok?", repeatedly, repeatedly. Until at some point He just said, (did He sound a little..exasperated? Don't quite remember, but as always, very very loving) "Do you think I would let you go there alone?"

Yah, and then somehow I wasn't so scared. Somehow I managed to make it to the exam hall, do the exam and everything. And I got the best results in Econs essays that I ever got in my 2 years.

Then after the exam, things started to happen and as far as i can see, they never stopped. Actually, I hope and pray that they will never stop. Anyway....next entry.

money matters

At the end of January this year, I handed in this time-sheet that records my working hours and pay , to Accounts late. Cause I didn’t know they have a dateline. And because of all the red-tape administration, I was told I can only get my Jan pay at the end of Feb.

I was in a financial dilemma, so as to speak. I didn’t want to ask for money from my parents and I didn’t have any usable savings. Now I wasn’t going to get any money for this month. This was my first economic crisis and I worried about it quite a bit. After all, I never had to worry about money before.

I actually went and told the Lord that now that nobody’s providing for me, I’m simply going to trust Him to provide for me, that I’ll try not to worry and I’ll just take it that He will provide for me financially, somehow.

And He did. To cut it short, I just found money all over, small sums, left over money from other sources and everything. I managed to make it for that month and a little while more. I didn’t even have to skimp. It was an adequate providence.