Snippets of the Journey

Some bits from my journal for these couple months...

One thing He did was remind me of all the many things that He had told me this couple of years. He did tell me many things at different times, but I never asked deeper. Instead I ran away from those things that He told me, because I was afraid of the answer. So I left all the pieces there like broken pieces of a puzzle.

I'm just going to type out some parts from my journal because the whole process is too long to write.

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Romans 5:12, 15 - 19

• One man's sin caused all humanity to be condemned. One Man's righteousness made it possible for all humanity to be saved. God went back to the original decision point to redeem the wrong decision, putting in place a right decision.
  
• He didn't erase all human history to start over again. He allowed the old breed to continue, while starting a new breed.
  
• Difference between temptation of Adam and Eve and temptation of Jesus
  - to have a sword: weapon - God's word
  - to hear from God for yourself
  - (same as sermon this week! But God told me this before that, so it's a kind of confirmationJ)
  
• Go back to the original wrong decision point:

1. When a person is not walking on the right road on his journey, the way to correct the error is not to start from the place where he is (which is a wrong place anyway) and try to figure out how to go on from there. Neither is it to backtrack a little and see where the little mistakes are and try to correct them. The only way is to go back to that original place where the wrong turning was made, and go on from there.
   
2. Or if I am doing a problem sum and have gone wrong, it would not help if I insist on going ahead and going on with calculating. No matter how careful I am, I will never get the answer. Or if I just go through the last two steps to try to spot a mistake, the only way is to go all the way back to find out where the first calculation mistake was made, then things can be corrected from there.
   
3. I have been trying to insist on going on despite the mistake, sometimes backtracking a little and trying to correct things a bit here and there.
   
4. My wrong decision point was neglecting to constantly ask God for close directions, being distracted by many things and not wanting to put in the effort to ask, perhaps not wanting to know, so I wouldn't have to do, choosing instead to rely on past tried methods and nature's course.
   
5. I need to start a new correct decision point. I need to seriously seek God for close directions with regards to ministry, work, family, everything, and constantly ask for new directions, not to let circumstances direct the course, but God direct the course.
   
6. I tend to have a "project mentality", seeking God's direction for something new in my life, but letting things run their own course once it stabilises. I need to learn to seek God's guidance throughout the whole process.
   

I asked God how to make sure my restart is a "Jesus restart" and not a "Noah" or "Abraham" one. I think the difference is that Jesus died.

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I always knew my chief issue is security. And it does add up.

I think one of my first realisations when I started working was that I couldn't cope with the time commitment. With that came a very deep fear: this was the least of my "trials" - busyness. If I couldn't even cope with that, how can I ever climb the higher mountains of many, many things which I know will be even more difficult for me? As time passed and I did not overcome my time issue, I began to doubt that I would ever be able to handle the bigger issues. How can I? How dare I ask if I cannot overcome this smallest one in front of my face?

About this time I stopped being able to ask God to do His will -- anything He wants -- in my life. I would find myself starting to ask, and then stopping in the middle, when the thought came that do I really want to ask God for that? Am I sure I want those great things, along which would surely come the big difficulties, which would surely be so hard to overcome? I was not even able to conquet the hill. That thought haunted me.

I stopped being able to ask God for much at all. I was not sure I was willing. If you are not willing, how dare you ask? Anyway I wasn't willing and I didn't want to ask. Soon, I stopped asking God for directions. I wasn't willing to do whatever He said. I didn't want to ask, because I didn't want to do it.

Busyness was an excuse and escape from these important things that I need to but didn't want to think about. I am not willing to serve God! This was a horrible thought I do not dare to think about. So I stopped thinking about it at all.

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The Lesson Learnt Before the Breakthrough
Genesis 12, 15, 17

When God first called Abraham he was 75. He believed God and it was credited to him as righteousness. When God spoke to him again years later he questioned the promise. How can he become a great nation when he doesn't even have a single child?

Abraham was 86 when he tried to fulfill God's promise in his own way and had Ishmael. When God spoke to him again at 99, he was only able to habour hope for Ishmael -- and no more. "If only Ishmael might live under your blessing!" Yet that very same day, he obeyed God's command of circumcision.

I, too, believed, and as time passed began to question the possibility of God's promise being fulfilled when not even the first step of breakthrough happened. At last, I was only able to ask God to bless the small, obvious things in my life. Now the step remained to obey God's command whatever it is.

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So you see, the problem was not time at all, but my old enemy, fear. That is a good thing, because I have seen God defeat this enemy so many times, so that it is easier for me to laugh out loud at it and tell it to get lost. Ha ha ha.

The time issue was truly not my fault (mostly). My fault was the unwillingness. I didn't know where it came from. It scared me, so much so that I was unwilling to try to find out where it came from. I have been badly deceived. That itself is also a scary, scary thought. All these may look obvious to you, but I truly never imagined it until the Lord showed me. But I really do not want to be deceived anymore.

Blessed

Wrote down this story for a friend, so tot post it here too... for more utility value :)

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To a dear sister:

I would like to share a little story with you. There was once I had a superior at my workplace who didn’t like me. She would scold me very severely for every single minor mistake I made. One time she called me into her office, and called me names, said how terrible I was and predicted the failure of my whole career on the spot. Only after abusing me for half an hour did she finally brought out the “accusations” of my crimes. In the end these were trivia things, most of which were not true, a few of which were things I was not aware of. But what mattered to her was calling me names, not finding out the truth, so she achieved her purpose.

Immediately after the incident, I was in shock. I asked myself if I was really that bad. It took me a while to realize that I had been verbally abused. I felt as though all those names and abuses were a rain of curses that fell on me. I felt so cursed. I had nightmares about this person for the whole time I was under her thumb, and for months afterwards. I would dream or imagine that she’s somewhere scrutinizing me in judgment, trying to squeeze out some mistake somewhere, so that she can rain more curses on me. I was like living in the shadow of the curses that she had heaped on me.

One day I heard the words of a familiar song “I’m blessed beyond the curse, for His promise will endure.” And suddenly I realized, yes, I’m blessed beyond any curses that people can curse me with, because I’m blessed by God Himself! I’m blessed because Jesus died for me to take away those curses. I cannot be cursed! And any curses and abuses thrown at me will surely not reach me because I’m under God’s shield, and there are no loopholes in His shield. I’m living under His blessing, not under people’s curses.

That didn’t mean I was completely healed that minute. It took me a long time to learn in my heart that I’m indeed blessed by God so that curses cannot come in, and to learn to reject the curses. But I held on these words “blessed beyond the curse”.

I don’t know if this story will mean anything to you, but just want to bless you with the words of this song that spoke so much to me.


Trading My Sorrows

I'm trading my sorrows

I'm trading my shame

I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord

I'm trading my sickness

I'm trading my pain

I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord

I'm pressed but not crushed

Persecuted not abandoned

Struck down but not destroyed

I’m blessed beyond the curse

For his promise will endure

That his joy's gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night

His joy comes with the morning