The older I grow, the more I realise how weak I am, how easily I fall and how much I need God.

Father, I'm sorry I did not trust Your love. When you are the one who would protect me, protect my interest, make sure nothing goes wrong. Father, I'm sorry.

I learnt... I can also do all those wrong things. I can also be wilful, and reckless, 放纵 to an extent that I never expected myself to do before. How weak I can be.

The bend in the road. I wonder how many bends there are!

Learnt a new word: frienemies. And about forgiveness.

God is making sure I take His words very seriously. Just like the way I discipline children. The warning is given, if the instructions are still now followed, the consequences are allowed to come into play. With cause and effect very obvious. Wah, scary man. 我不敢不听话.

Waiting for a resurrection of sorts. Not a redo of the same old, but a fresh, different new. Not of other people, just of me. Not just pressing the restart button, but reformating the hard drive. I need hope.

pick yourself up and dust yourself off, back in the saddle .... when you fall get up

Lord, I cannot take it anymore. 主，我的心好痛。我不明白。I also cannot see. Please look at me. Lord, how come Your work is always like that one?

So many people are saying what I could not bring myself to say. Hit a wall, ya, stone wall. But I didn't build that wall, though I should have spotted it earlier.

The rubber meets the road. Ya, correct.

I think that was the point in time I realised, there is no more I can compromise unless I am willing to do things that are not true to myself, which I am not.

God said forgive. He said pity, and forgive.

My wave really crashed until crashed man. I take it that means at least the initial stage of transition is over. I don't expect support or something lah, I am realistic.

I need to be actively sharing/teaching God's truths again. It's actually something so spiritually healthy to do.

I am such a pessimist that even I myself find my pessimism amusing!

Why do I sometimes find it easier to pray for things I don't want to do rather than things I want to do. Because I feel bad lah. There are people dying of hunger, people who've never heard the gospel, and I'm here praying about ..... grrrr...

I feel like I'm in that 1.4m pool again, up to my chin in water. But this time, I don't see anyone around.

I haven't changed. I'm still that little girl, sitting at the window, staring at that beacon of light every night. 主啊，我好心痛。我好像笨蛋。I always sit down and wait for things to happen to me. But things happened when I stop sitting around. I don't feel like sitting around anymore. I'm sick, sick and tired of sitting around waiting. I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like jumping up and doing something drastic, I really do.

Last time I couldn't do anything drastic. Now I can. Do I want to do it? The only thing is, I'm afraid I will spoil something if I do something drastic. But who says if I do nothing, good things will happen? Maybe if I do nothing, nothing will happen! I could sit around and call myself names for ages. It wouldn't solve anything.

But seriously, for now I really think I should wait out. Today is not a repetition of anything. Yet. It was just that before there were a lot. But now might be different. The irritating thing is that I don't know. I can't know. At least not until it happens. Will it be different? Or will it be the same old thing all over again? But I do know, for now I should not take action. Next week is a different matter. Even tomorrow is a different matter. But today no. I feel so, so stupid, I can't imagine it.

I want to say it, but I don't want to have to say it, you see. It makes things very no point if you actually have to say it. This is so absolutely dumb. How come it happened to me?

I feel stupid worrying about the same thing every week. It's stupid lah.

I hate waiting. I HATE waiting. I absolutely hate and hate waiting. Because I absolutely cannot stop waiting.

Now I know why I didn't do certain teenagerish things when I was a teenager already.

I feel like a teenager. I am behaving like a teenager.