Lord, I am lonely, I never knew it before. I never knew I could be lonely before. Never knew it could hurt me if my support network is absent. Never knew if I just felt I wasn’t close to them, it would matter so much. I miss them. I wish I were there more than they do, surely, but who knows? How would they know? I wasn’t there to tell them. This is the real me writing, not about happenings and events. Lord, I never knew it would matter so much if it seemed they didn’t care, and it isn’t even as though they didn’t, just that they didn’t notice, didn’t know, they were wrapped up in their own troubles, just like everyone else. Would, could I be happy only if I’m the one doing the giving? Do I give because I want others to care? Out of sight, out of mind? I didn’t know how that feels. Din even know it could be true, you see.

Lord, I feel so isolated, and I don’t feel very bright at all. I don’t know if You’ve prepared me for this environment, I know You put me in such an environment on purpose, it just feels a little heavy. Is this training for something else?

I don’t know, I just know it’s true it feels hard to be the only one rooting for the other team the whole day long, everyday. It feels harder that your team feels like a stranger when you’re finally there. I need You. You’re the only one who’d always know, who’d give to me even when I have nothing to give You.

You must teach me all the right things. Then my environment won’t defeat me. Ever. I wish someone would just give to me. And that person is You.

Growing old

Does it ever worry you to see ur own parents grow old? Since the time when my dad was a towering giant to me, he always represented strength to me, he was someone always there, sometimes he's unreasonable, sometimes he gets on my nerves, sometimes he's plain wrong, but no matter how many times we quarrel, he never gives up, like some epitome of "love never fails".

i remembered when i first realised he had white hair, or started balding, his signs of weaknesses contradict my concept of his strength in a way my brain finds it hard, either to comprehen or to accept. My mom gets these coughs that can go on for months, i worry abt her constitution, when she comes home from work with aching bones, i wish she would stop working, but dun have a stable job myself now.

recently i have a fren whose father is sick, such that he actually ran away from hosp and they were so worried cos he's not stable and can't take care of himself. I can't imagine myself like that, being the sole responsible adult in my family. Mainly i just want my parents to be alive and healthy for the next 50 yrs at least, when it comes to them i'm not the least logical.

A little miracle

Hey!!! A little miracle to share here!

My laptop "dieded" a few months ago, sent it to IBM, warranty was over, they said motherboard spoiled, needs >$1800 to repair. The quotation was riddiculous, so din, left the machine there for a long time, was quite sad, partly because it was on nus loan, haven't even paid finished the loan spoiled, but also, a large part, it was sentimental value. The laptop accompanied me thru my nus years, it was one of my favorite and most faithful "servant". I used it to write my first essay, when I could hardly believe i could write a 2000 word essay, I wrote my very last essay on it, and sat there in the wee hours of the morning and cried and thanked God when i finish (not for the essay, but for all His faithfulness thru the yrs)

My lappie contained all the emails, files, songs... everything i collected for yrs, it's like a part of my brain, where i keep my memories, I was really xing tong.

To cut a long story short, i went to collect it just now, came back, and just pressed the 'on' button just in case... and it came on! Worked everything ok. It's win98 and everything, all ancient, but i love it! it's more beautiful than a brand new one! i have no idea wat happened, but i thank God anyway!

So now i'm the prodigal laptop owner, cos my lappie was dead but it is now alive. :> so can come celebrate with me. :> yay.