Loss
Monday, February 11th, 2002
2:10 pm
From the time when all I lost was time, when I keep seeming to have unending work to do, and ‘lost’ all my time… to the time I lost ‘things’ that I want to keep because I’ve collected them for a few years, namely data in my computer… to the time I lost a sense of control because I realize everything looks so … planned. Planned to keep me busy, thing after thing to do, never ending, never too much, but always enough just to keep me to the limit, stretched, on my toes, and feel I couldn’t help myself, things just keep happening and all I can do is let myself drift along… to the time during attachment, when I felt so incompetent, like I cannot make it anymore, but I still have to, day after day after day, cannot stop, cannot rest, yet must keep giving, never having enough to give… feeling so… useless. And then the hike. The night in the forest. Crying, crying, under a starry sky in the middle of the forest, in the middle of the night, feeling so stupid, so stupid… like I just can’t do anything. Letting pple literally carry me down slopes, it was so… humbling. So humbling. It was losing all my sense of control altogether, and feeling so … out of control, so like I couldn’t do a thing, a single thing. And then thinking it was all over, thank God, the year is over, at last. Now things are going to get better. I’m going to work harder, things are going to get better. And they didn’t. they got worse. When what I lost wasn’t pride. It wasn’t a sense of control. It wasn’t just things. It was people. It was things I treasured more, that really meant something to me.
It was losing the sister who’s been there for me for so long. It’s knowing things will never be the same again, they can’t be, they just can’t. I know better. It’s losing my dreams, all those dreams that meant so much to me. Those dreams came true. Those dreams I hope and prayed and waited for for years. Those dreams that actually came true, which I thanked God and thanked God and thanked God for, with tears all over my face. Those dreams that looked so beautiful, they hardly look possible. But they were true, they were there, as large as life. So real. It was having a family. The family I’ve always wanted, the family I waited for for so long. Oh it mattered, that it was dysfunctional, that it was problematic, that there were lots of things wrong with it, but only because I wanted us to be better. Else why would it matter? Oh it was bad. It was all sorts of bad, but it was my family. It was my family. That was why I loved it. It didn’t have to be perfect. It wasn’t. but it was mine you see. A real living family, sometimes laughing, sometimes even crying, but my family.
Now there’s no more family. Suddenly, just no more. Suddenly, just no more. I’m scared, Lord, I really am. It makes me so paranoid, like, what am I going to lose next, what are You going to take away from me next. Lord, it makes me so scared.
It was knowing I would have thrown a tantrum at God if I could, but I couldn’t. I actually couldn’t. Not if I tried.
I feel strange, so strange. Like I’m living in a new world, a different world. One that looks so much like the old one sometimes I’m deceived. And think things haven’t really changed. But knowing, deep in my heart, that they had. Things have changed. Changed irrevocably, I don’t even know what. Even from those times last time when I felt things change and hardly knew what they were. I still don’t know. I only know things are not the same anymore. Many things are not the same. There are things that are still the same, God’s love is the same. It’ll never change. The Lord’ll never leave me. He promised. My big dreams are the same. They did not change. They were not shaken by the things that happened. I still want to see the Lord. I still want to see people know His love. These things did not change. And they are all I have left, or so it feels, in this new world of mine. The old world looks so gone, but I still can’t throw it away, some part of me can’t put it down, it ‘s clinging on.
Lord things look so strange to me. It seems strange that some things did not change. I still have to do my termpapers. There’s still Chinese New year. Like nothing’s happened. Like I did not lose my dreams, dreams of a family, dreams of helping people, dreams so small, so idealistic, so childlike. And then life goes on… sometimes I feel like I’m in a strange dream myself. Past weeks I asked myself when I’m going to wake up, somehow wishing everything that happened was really a dream, a nightmare. When I wake up it’s be gone, and my family’ll still be there, like it’s always been. Now I know I’ll never wake up. Perhaps I will, when the Lord comes back. Else things are going to go on, like they’ve been. And I can only pray, like Rilla, “Lord, please send us better news tomorrow.”
Through this whole time the Lord sent me one song. Jesus loves me. This song seemed to have gone with me through many many times… all those times, so tired, waiting at the busstop, all the times, feeling so tired, feeling so lost, even the times I was crying, for my lost family, for all the things I seem to have lost when this pin pricked my bubble. When I felt so lost.
And sometimes, so many times, all the Lord’d say to me is that He’ll never let me go. He didn’t say why, He didn’t tell me… so many things, and I knew, I didn’t want to know. I just didn’t want the things to happen that did, that’s all. I just want my family back, want my sister back, that’s all. I don’t why to know why, how come, why not. I just want them not to happen, for any reason whatsoever. That’s not reasonable. I wasn’t trying to be reasonable. I’m not reasonable. Never was. Don’t want to be.
Sometimes life looks so long, I don’t wake up like last time, yes, most times tired and wishing I didn’t have to go out, but full of hopes, hopes so innate, so deep, so much a fundamental part of me I don’t quite feel them at all. Always my dreams, my hopes, I always had something to look forward to, to hope for, to work hard for. Something I’m looking to happening. And now I don’t know what I’m looking for. Not short-term things anyway. I wake up with the things I have to do for the day, or look for something to do, so I wouldn’t have to think. Not with my heart, at least. Then it wouldn’t hurt.
Father, You told me not to carry the past with me, but there’re some things now, just for now, that I can’t quite put down yet. Can I carry them a while, just a while, till it doesn’t hurt so much to let them go, and then, Lord, teach me to put them down, like You’ve taught me so many things… just for now, Lord, let me keep them in a little corner of my heart, the things, so beautiful, that You gave to me, the things I treasured and thanked You for so much…
2:10 pm
From the time when all I lost was time, when I keep seeming to have unending work to do, and ‘lost’ all my time… to the time I lost ‘things’ that I want to keep because I’ve collected them for a few years, namely data in my computer… to the time I lost a sense of control because I realize everything looks so … planned. Planned to keep me busy, thing after thing to do, never ending, never too much, but always enough just to keep me to the limit, stretched, on my toes, and feel I couldn’t help myself, things just keep happening and all I can do is let myself drift along… to the time during attachment, when I felt so incompetent, like I cannot make it anymore, but I still have to, day after day after day, cannot stop, cannot rest, yet must keep giving, never having enough to give… feeling so… useless. And then the hike. The night in the forest. Crying, crying, under a starry sky in the middle of the forest, in the middle of the night, feeling so stupid, so stupid… like I just can’t do anything. Letting pple literally carry me down slopes, it was so… humbling. So humbling. It was losing all my sense of control altogether, and feeling so … out of control, so like I couldn’t do a thing, a single thing. And then thinking it was all over, thank God, the year is over, at last. Now things are going to get better. I’m going to work harder, things are going to get better. And they didn’t. they got worse. When what I lost wasn’t pride. It wasn’t a sense of control. It wasn’t just things. It was people. It was things I treasured more, that really meant something to me.
It was losing the sister who’s been there for me for so long. It’s knowing things will never be the same again, they can’t be, they just can’t. I know better. It’s losing my dreams, all those dreams that meant so much to me. Those dreams came true. Those dreams I hope and prayed and waited for for years. Those dreams that actually came true, which I thanked God and thanked God and thanked God for, with tears all over my face. Those dreams that looked so beautiful, they hardly look possible. But they were true, they were there, as large as life. So real. It was having a family. The family I’ve always wanted, the family I waited for for so long. Oh it mattered, that it was dysfunctional, that it was problematic, that there were lots of things wrong with it, but only because I wanted us to be better. Else why would it matter? Oh it was bad. It was all sorts of bad, but it was my family. It was my family. That was why I loved it. It didn’t have to be perfect. It wasn’t. but it was mine you see. A real living family, sometimes laughing, sometimes even crying, but my family.
Now there’s no more family. Suddenly, just no more. Suddenly, just no more. I’m scared, Lord, I really am. It makes me so paranoid, like, what am I going to lose next, what are You going to take away from me next. Lord, it makes me so scared.
It was knowing I would have thrown a tantrum at God if I could, but I couldn’t. I actually couldn’t. Not if I tried.
I feel strange, so strange. Like I’m living in a new world, a different world. One that looks so much like the old one sometimes I’m deceived. And think things haven’t really changed. But knowing, deep in my heart, that they had. Things have changed. Changed irrevocably, I don’t even know what. Even from those times last time when I felt things change and hardly knew what they were. I still don’t know. I only know things are not the same anymore. Many things are not the same. There are things that are still the same, God’s love is the same. It’ll never change. The Lord’ll never leave me. He promised. My big dreams are the same. They did not change. They were not shaken by the things that happened. I still want to see the Lord. I still want to see people know His love. These things did not change. And they are all I have left, or so it feels, in this new world of mine. The old world looks so gone, but I still can’t throw it away, some part of me can’t put it down, it ‘s clinging on.
Lord things look so strange to me. It seems strange that some things did not change. I still have to do my termpapers. There’s still Chinese New year. Like nothing’s happened. Like I did not lose my dreams, dreams of a family, dreams of helping people, dreams so small, so idealistic, so childlike. And then life goes on… sometimes I feel like I’m in a strange dream myself. Past weeks I asked myself when I’m going to wake up, somehow wishing everything that happened was really a dream, a nightmare. When I wake up it’s be gone, and my family’ll still be there, like it’s always been. Now I know I’ll never wake up. Perhaps I will, when the Lord comes back. Else things are going to go on, like they’ve been. And I can only pray, like Rilla, “Lord, please send us better news tomorrow.”
Through this whole time the Lord sent me one song. Jesus loves me. This song seemed to have gone with me through many many times… all those times, so tired, waiting at the busstop, all the times, feeling so tired, feeling so lost, even the times I was crying, for my lost family, for all the things I seem to have lost when this pin pricked my bubble. When I felt so lost.
And sometimes, so many times, all the Lord’d say to me is that He’ll never let me go. He didn’t say why, He didn’t tell me… so many things, and I knew, I didn’t want to know. I just didn’t want the things to happen that did, that’s all. I just want my family back, want my sister back, that’s all. I don’t why to know why, how come, why not. I just want them not to happen, for any reason whatsoever. That’s not reasonable. I wasn’t trying to be reasonable. I’m not reasonable. Never was. Don’t want to be.
Sometimes life looks so long, I don’t wake up like last time, yes, most times tired and wishing I didn’t have to go out, but full of hopes, hopes so innate, so deep, so much a fundamental part of me I don’t quite feel them at all. Always my dreams, my hopes, I always had something to look forward to, to hope for, to work hard for. Something I’m looking to happening. And now I don’t know what I’m looking for. Not short-term things anyway. I wake up with the things I have to do for the day, or look for something to do, so I wouldn’t have to think. Not with my heart, at least. Then it wouldn’t hurt.
Father, You told me not to carry the past with me, but there’re some things now, just for now, that I can’t quite put down yet. Can I carry them a while, just a while, till it doesn’t hurt so much to let them go, and then, Lord, teach me to put them down, like You’ve taught me so many things… just for now, Lord, let me keep them in a little corner of my heart, the things, so beautiful, that You gave to me, the things I treasured and thanked You for so much…
posted by judith at
2:10 pm
|
0 comments
