Being changed
I grew a lot in all sorts of ways in my time in the East District. I changed from someone who simply assumed myself to be a careless person to someone who knew people trust her in certain things. The people here didn't know all through my school years, people thought I was a person you can't trust, with anything from keys to responsibility. And I submitted to acting that role. The people here didn't know and I didn't tell them. They simply assumed they could trust me to be responsible and I worked hard not to disappoint them. It changed my perception of myself and did teach me to be more responsible. I thank God for that.
The most significant things happened during the East District Leader's Retreat in Johore. I followed them free of charge was I was supposed to be working (helping take care of the leaders' kids during seminars). The first hard part that bothered me was going in the 1st place. True, I seem to be very comfortable staying with Christians all day, everyday, all week. but that was always just all day. I always got the 'nights-off'. Kind of respite and I know that my comfort is not very real, something I've forced out of myself, and that is limited. I might be able to fake it for 8,10, 12 hours a day, but I'm not sure I could keep it on for 24 or even 48 hours. Too tiring and that was part of the reason i wanted to go. I wanted to find out if my comfort with Christians was real, that is, if this part of the healing process God was bringing me through was completed. Or at least almost there. I really wanted to know.
Days before leaving Singapore, I got rather nervous. The Lord promised He'll be there with me, but still...I worried. I just have the feeling something, anything might happen. I have no idea what but I've got this feeling strongly, on and off, ever since 2000 started. The feeling that something drastic was going to happen.
So, I went and I was glad I got to share room with Louis. She was kind of the one I liked best, just feel very good being friends with her. From the beginning, we said our room had 'sharing anointing'. She told me about her life (deeply) and I told her about being afraid of Christians and being afraid praying with people.
One minor worry I had was that I had almost zero experience taking care of children. But things worked out a lot, better than expected. In fact, it was good, though very tiring. And though the Lord blessed me with a kind of 'crash course' interacting with children of a variety of ages all in a few days and learning (from the children and from the other caretakers) the special characteristics of different age groups and what ways to effectively manage them. It helped me in my studies later on. Kind of I do have a little experience working with children after all.
And these few days the Lord did speak to me about a lot of things. one thing was He wanted me to be a confident person, confident in Him and to surrender all my self-pity to Him. Like, to let go of all that happened in the past, like for example, to stop thinking, I went through this experience, so that's why I have this fear and think that thus I have the right to be fearful and to feel pity for myself.
There was the time during worship. At some time, I surrendered my self-pity to Him. It was scary, but it was beautiful and I told Him,"But Lord I don't know how to be confident. I just don't have it. I don't have any confidence inside me. I just don't have it" And he told me that He has what I don't have, and He will provide the confidence and I asked Him, hesitantly yet joyfully expectant, "Can I use your resources?"And he answered, "All my resources are yours, didn't you know that?" I thanked Him and I thanked Him. And this surrender worked. The Lord took away the self-pity in my heart. Praise God!
There was the prophecy session where every person/couple/family were prophecized over. I was scared like anything, but I really wanted to be prophesized over. So, when my turn came, I went. Before that I asked God to speak to me something about China, anything. Cause up to now, it was only me hearing from Him.
The most significant things happened during the East District Leader's Retreat in Johore. I followed them free of charge was I was supposed to be working (helping take care of the leaders' kids during seminars). The first hard part that bothered me was going in the 1st place. True, I seem to be very comfortable staying with Christians all day, everyday, all week. but that was always just all day. I always got the 'nights-off'. Kind of respite and I know that my comfort is not very real, something I've forced out of myself, and that is limited. I might be able to fake it for 8,10, 12 hours a day, but I'm not sure I could keep it on for 24 or even 48 hours. Too tiring and that was part of the reason i wanted to go. I wanted to find out if my comfort with Christians was real, that is, if this part of the healing process God was bringing me through was completed. Or at least almost there. I really wanted to know.
Days before leaving Singapore, I got rather nervous. The Lord promised He'll be there with me, but still...I worried. I just have the feeling something, anything might happen. I have no idea what but I've got this feeling strongly, on and off, ever since 2000 started. The feeling that something drastic was going to happen.
So, I went and I was glad I got to share room with Louis. She was kind of the one I liked best, just feel very good being friends with her. From the beginning, we said our room had 'sharing anointing'. She told me about her life (deeply) and I told her about being afraid of Christians and being afraid praying with people.
One minor worry I had was that I had almost zero experience taking care of children. But things worked out a lot, better than expected. In fact, it was good, though very tiring. And though the Lord blessed me with a kind of 'crash course' interacting with children of a variety of ages all in a few days and learning (from the children and from the other caretakers) the special characteristics of different age groups and what ways to effectively manage them. It helped me in my studies later on. Kind of I do have a little experience working with children after all.
And these few days the Lord did speak to me about a lot of things. one thing was He wanted me to be a confident person, confident in Him and to surrender all my self-pity to Him. Like, to let go of all that happened in the past, like for example, to stop thinking, I went through this experience, so that's why I have this fear and think that thus I have the right to be fearful and to feel pity for myself.
There was the time during worship. At some time, I surrendered my self-pity to Him. It was scary, but it was beautiful and I told Him,"But Lord I don't know how to be confident. I just don't have it. I don't have any confidence inside me. I just don't have it" And he told me that He has what I don't have, and He will provide the confidence and I asked Him, hesitantly yet joyfully expectant, "Can I use your resources?"And he answered, "All my resources are yours, didn't you know that?" I thanked Him and I thanked Him. And this surrender worked. The Lord took away the self-pity in my heart. Praise God!
There was the prophecy session where every person/couple/family were prophecized over. I was scared like anything, but I really wanted to be prophesized over. So, when my turn came, I went. Before that I asked God to speak to me something about China, anything. Cause up to now, it was only me hearing from Him.
posted by judith at
4:46 am
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