mind

Father Lord,

Help, help. I’m in deep trouble. My mind won’t rest. It just won’t. I’m worried day and night, and can’t rest even when I sleep. And isn’t rested even after many hours of sleep. I’m worried about my exams, Lord, You know. And I worry so much I don’t study. And then I worry about not studying. And then I worry about worrying too much. And then I worry about worrying too much about worrying. Father I’m so anxious I can’t rest. I can’t be quiet at all. I can’t quite take it anymore, Father. Help me.

Father, You already know about it all. All my dreams, Father. Lord I must stop it now. And not just keep worrying, and not doing …anything at all. Lord, please help me.

Father, I read through the things I wrote in here. All of them are quite nice, so they look to me. But I haven’t got anything nice to write today. Unless,
Father, You give me something.

To trust You for all my tomorrows. No matter what they do contain. They already contained. You already planned them to. Beautiful things, beautiful, beautiful things.

To want to be in Your presence everyday, and want to walk with You every, everyday. And then the next morning I wake up … and forgot. Or is too lazy to do anything. And still Your love stays the same. Just like You promised. Your steadfast love is so beautiful to me.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning

Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

Father, I must go write about … that now.

Here I go:

There was this day before some exam, I was studying late at night. I went to pray to the Lord, and … I was a bit like … dunno how to say. Anyway, I understood my feelings, they weren’t very nice ones, the Lord already knows, but I just wanted to tell Him. So I did. So… I told Him I want to spend time with Him, but that somewhere inside I want to spend 5 mins with the Lord, I even want to spend 15 mins with Him…but somewhere inside, I’m not that sure I want to spend an hour with Him.

It’s a bit like calling a friend, you really want to talk to him, find out how he is and everything. But you’re busy, and you only want to spend so much time on that person. So when I talk to that person, I make sure I don’t start talking about anything that might start a long conversation. I keep things light. And if he starts on anything intense or important, I try to change the topic. And that seems to be what I was doing to the Lord, until I caught myself, and told Him. I felt really bad, and the worst thing is I have absolutely no idea how I could stop doing it. He is my God.

And the thought came to me, like, how would I feel if the Lord told me what I told Him. He would be being perfectly reasonable, and even still quite very loving. After all, He is God. And then I would probably never forget my quiet time ever again. I would probably write down what I want to talk to Him about in the rest of the day. I would probably wait for my allocated 15 mins, and looked forward to it. But He didn’t. He is able to give everyone undivided attention around the clock at the same time, but He isn’t obliged to. But He did.

Anyway I felt bad because I don’t want to be withholding my time from the Lord when it belongs all to Him.

And then it really hit me that (oh no, but I forgot what hit me. And I didn’t continue to write…)

It was something I did already know. It was something everybody knows. But that’s knowing, and there’s really knowing.