When I was young I felt I had a lot of inner journey. Kind of like the roots of a growing plant, and not much of leaves growing out on top, which was supposed to be the outer journey. In fact the inner journey was all I had. My relationship with God was inside, that talking to Him, walking with Him, inside of me. I felt like people would think I was a baby, because I haven't got much leaves, like a baby plant. So I tried to hide myself as much as I could. But I did appreciate that inner journey.

Now I feel there's a lot of outer journey. There's always so much to do, and sometimes people think I could do things, or take care of people, or whatever. They expect me to. But I begin to feel there isn't much of an inner journey, I'm always so busy living out my Christian life, I've got no time to grow "in"! That growing roots deep into the Lord kind. That's why whenever there's a storm, the whole plants gets quite shaky kind, especially the part above the ground. I begin to appreciate that when I was younger and had no one else, God gave me the very best. That intimate inner journey with Him that was the most important, that I didn't appreciate enough before.

I'm not that worried about the above ground parts, leaves and stuff, falling down in a storm. I know a plant can always grow, or regrow, so long as there are roots. I'm more worried that if my upper parts capsize, they'll pull my lower parts along somehow. Or my fallen leaves will trip someone else.

People tell me to begin to love God by loving people. I have no objections to that theory myself, but I know that's not how it works with me. I spend time with God and then I have the passion to want to love people for Him, not the other way around. If I start by loving people, I'll just get stuck there all day and forget all about loving God til I'm all drained and it becomes loving people for the sake of the doing. If I start with loving God He'll always make sure I get there - to the loving people part. The important thing for me is to keep remembering to go back to the loving God part from the loving people part - He does the sending out, and He never forgets.

I want back that inner journey, in a way that's quite apart of the outer journey sometimes. Sometimes linked, but never the same. I want the inner journey to be the real journey that matters in the end, that's the only way I can live. All those outside things, in the end they don't quite make sense to me. Meaningless, meaningless. The inner journey will last. It was that joy that was the reason I wanted all these, that I walked all this way for, the joy of walking with the Lord.