I wish I were stupider

I'm writing in this journal everyday now, it seems. Though it's hols now, I hardly get to spend any evenings at home. Not the last two, and not the next few either. The first will be this Sunday. I'm not complaining, I would rather do this than work. There's two service learning projects on my agenda, it makes me wonder how on earth I came to be involved in them. Being still "social work" at heart (yes, Cindy is right, though I don't often say this), I ought to be happy service learning is all the rage now, but somehow, the term gives me a bad taste of sorts. Maybe I have some misconception somewhere.

The thing I forgot to say yesterday, was after hearing my friend say so much about how glad she was to be learning so much from skilled and experienced professionals, it brought me back and intensified my realisation that I'm not that kind of "professional" person. All those professional image things gross me out. I don't have any objections against other people being professional, it's probably a good thing, it's just not for me. That's why all those professional talk, whether for teachers or social workers or church work, it just goes over my head. I just wish I needn't have anything to do with it, if I have to I try to endure it. The thing that gets to me is when people expect me to participate actively somehow, and judge me accordingly if I don't, or even if I don't do it every enthusiastically or well. Sigh. How do you be enthusiastic and do something well that you hate? But it's expected all over the world.

Sometimes I wish I've been born stupider. Then I wouldn't be going to Uni, I'll just have a technical/administrative kind of job, and be happy doing what I do, with no one expecting strange things like "professionalism" from me. I'll probably earn less, but I won't have any Uni loans to pay off. And I'll be used to it, so I won't miss what I never had, same as I don't envy people who are now richer than me. I won't know so much about computers and stuff, so I won't be unhappy not having money to have a laptop and stuff. I'll have friends who all eat/shop at cheaper places, wear more casual clothes, so I'll be comfortable doing the same in that world. Maybe more, cos I hate make-up.

But I dare say the grass is always greener on the other side.

刻骨铭心

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head now. I shouldn't be writting at this time, but then I keep saying this. I wanted, no, want, to go jogging tomorrow morning, so I should go to sleep. I haven't gone jogging at the canal for like a year. But then I don't write very often, so when I write, I like to write more, and when I have the time, I tend to write a lot at one go.

I 'll ask my dad tomorrow if I can take the car to the top of the multi-storey carpark and practise parking there. I decided even if I don't learn to drive properly this hols, I should at least learn to park at a reasonable rate, instead of like five minutes, even with my dad yelling instructions, and exasperating all the other drivers waiting for me in the process. I'm very slow at learning this, like mechanical type of things, (which excludes technological things though) and I've kind of accepted it, so that I don't feel bad about being slow, I just take it as a fact of life, is that good or bad? Is it unambitious, or Ah-Q, or whatever?

Ok, here comes the more interesting part. I'm mentioning a lot of the people who read my blog by name, that should interest them enough.

I went back to my old office today, the Covenant FSC one. It happens to me in every stage of life. In every place there is a time of adaptation, a time of struggle, a time of growing, a time of learning to love a place more or less, then closure, and letting go. And then after a time, when some time has passed, so that I've moved on in my heart, I'll have a chance to take a look at that place again from a different perspective. Now, that is scary, I can immediately think of ONE place I don't want ever to step into again, at least until she is gone. It's the place I worked at after Covenant. Before NIE, duh.

And going back to a place is always a strange feeling. I get lots and lots of 感触. Well, the first person I saw was Jessica, she was there with these children, and watching her was like, it reminded me of those times I used to see her teaching Reading Program. She always has this patient, gentle, motherly (young motherly) air, even when she's getting exasperated by them. I can imagine that's what she'll be like with her own kids next time. And sitting on the sofa watching her was ... so comfortable. Talking to Aunty...

And walking into the office, well, it was a surprise, simply because everyone was so warm. Cindy, Eng Choon, Ngee Mong, even Lynette, whom I don't know well, Gloria ... It felt so very family-like I almost regretted on the spot that I was no longer part of it. It was getting hazy in my head, the picture of that office, but immediately I stepped in, it felt so home like, so comfortable, I couldn't even feel awkward. I had fun talking to them. I was always reading about Cindy's busyness, stress, etc, but she never once let me feel I'm taking up her time. And the rest just talked like I haven't been gone for more than a year, more like just a fortnight. I guess happening just after my hermit crab period of staying at home and only meeting classmates who were more like acquaintances, it really got to me. And Christine was so cheerful, I was really glad. :>

This's the first time I really realised it. I missed all of you, people! If I ever did volunteer work (out of my own free will) I'll come back. But not likely during the next three years when I'm bonded to a much less family-like organisation. I guess it's too big. The visit just made me wish there was a job there that didn't involve counselling (but still gave about the same pay) I'll gladly take the pay difference between a social worker and a teacher if that was the case. It is said people only learn to appreciate what they have after they lose it. I'm worse, I only learn what I've lost after I go back and look at it.

But I guess things are not so nostalgic always when you go to a place everyday and have plenty of work to do, even if the people are that nice.

And Sharmaine's desk wasn't that messy. I remembered mine was worse.




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Oh, just remembered. There's this person named Aly who's a common friend of both Cindy and Serene. And both of them said Aly was a great person at the same time, which is why I noticed. And found out it was the same person. So, gals, do the two of you happen to know each other?


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And then I went out with Adeline for dinner. I think somehow, I've forgotten how to enjoy myself. I didn't quite know what to say when she wasn't telling me something about her life. Later, went to this pub place with her and Sharmaine and Choi Ying and Karen. It felt weird sitting there doing nothing. I feel like I haven't spent so long doing nothing for a long time. It was weird.

And when Adeline was trying on clothes, waiting outside for her felt weird too. I guess all those sittings and waitings are just a social thing, but perhaps I've been a hermit crab for too long. It feels strange just doing nothing!

That was when I started feeling very "no life". When I told my sis what I did in school nowadays, she was shocked, it was so extreme.

Everyday I went to school with one focus. To get over my lessons, do as much work as possible, get home as soon as possible. It was so focused that the moment the lessons end, my first thought is of going straight to the library to do work. Every single time. And I hardly wait for anyone else around me to pack their things or anything, I just walk out and walk alone to the library, where I spend the entire time of my break doing work until it's time for the next class. I don't sit with anyone or talk to anyone. I have a special quiet corner. The only exception is the people who are on msn with me at that time. I hardly even go to the canteen.

People usually book seats for friends at lectures, I only have this group of friends who were the first group of people I met and wanted for friends, but it turned out I didn't have a common class with any of them at all. Sometimes they had a seat for me, sometimes they didn't. I'd just go off and find a seat in the corner by myself. Sometimes I can't find them, and I just sit in some corner myself. I don't even really mind it. I would never have done such a thing in JC, Uni, or even church now (except Chinese service). I've never been a hermit crab since primary school days, I didn't even eat alone if I didn't have people with me. I'd rather starve. I always went around with a crowd around me, or at least a couple of friends.

And you know how people wait around for one another after school, to go home together, or go for lunch, kind of thing? After the first few weeks, I never waited for more than five minutes. If you weren't going home now, so sorry, I have to rush home, I'll go off first, bye, even though actually I don't have anything in particular to rush home for except to do more work. My sis says she haven't seen me work so hard for a long time. She's wrong, I haven't ever worked so hard in my life.

I don't think all this is very good for me, but I really think that's what God wants me to do, or at least, part of what He wants me to do, how? And it's not like because I do this I've got plenty of time. I still rushed like mad in the end. Adeline concluded that it's just me. Does that mean I just can't cope with two things? I asked her, now my choice is between being antisocial, and not working. She concludes that since it isn't very feasible to not work, I should just be antisocial. ???

I don't accept being fated to be a hermit crab.


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I realise I don't see people in the cell dress up much. It was a little weird watching Karen and Choi dressed up. It's nice, just not used to it. I'm more used to seeing you people with chicken pox. :> Adeline, at least I always knew she was weird.

It was weird going out with the cell people too. I haven't done it in ages. Or so it feels. Somehow I kept feeling the difference in that atmosphere and culture and the one I feel when I'm with PRC girls. I think everyone has branded me as "with the PRC girls", somehow. It feels really different being with both. They just do things so differently. Maybe people expect me to belong to both, sometimes I feel I don't belong to either. And I can't just belong to one, which would make things easier. I can't choose the "S'pore" crowd, so I guess I have to choose the other. But there's a part of me that is more comfortable with the "S'pore" crowd. I'm Singaporean! There's been many many times in church and related settings when I've had to choose. And usually I make myself make the "PRC crowd" choice. Except occasionally I'll "skive off", as Jesslyn knows. But with the "PRC crowd" I'm never really one of them. Simply because, well, I'm not! Many times the way they react to certain things still surprises me. And sometimes when I'm with other people, the thought of the difference kind of dazes me.

Sigh, in the end I didn't talk so much about other people, I just talked about myself. I'm self-centered. But then, dear Jingyu, I've never been described as 'arrogant' before. Oversensitive, weird, etc, yes. But arrogant, never. But I won't agree to that, though I'll accept that I am obstinate. But then obstinate is a little like stiff-necked, and the Bible records times when God said things to the Israelites like, they are such a stiff-necked people that if I even go with them for a moment, I might destroy them. So maybe it's not that good to be obstinate either, yah?

Actually on my way home, I realised I didn't actually want any answers from you. I just wanted you to listen. Maybe next time, I should specify in advance.

I think you're not the only person who became more frank after a year. I did too, we talk to each other different from before. We say things bluntly more, at least I do. But the good thing is although you are blunt to people, you seem to take it ok when people are blunt with you in return, at least, so far, but then, I'm such a tactful person I'm not likely to say anything offensive, yah? So I'll never find out.

I should relax, and take things easier. But I wouldn't like to find that I've wasted my holidays, it's really my last hols as a student, I want to spend it well. I like to end my entries with a dilemna that can't quite be solved, so here it is.

Then I'll end with my real usual ending. I suppose that what I want to end my life knowing too. God is good. :>

P.S. I don't think I'll be able to wake up to go jogging tomorrow after all ... :< But God is still good.

Thoughts

Was sitting in the train today, missed the interchange because was busy doing something on my palm. Realised I kind of forgot how to just sit there and not do anything. I have this big thing for saving time, espeically while on transport, which seems to me like a huge waste of time. Imagine spending hours everyday doing nothing, just sitting, staring in front, waiting for the train/bus/car/cab/whatever to take you somewhere.

I always have something to do. That's what my handphone and palmtop and laptop are for. If nothing, I must at least be thinking and planning stuff, like what to do/buy/say later when I reach my destination. Unless I'm tired and sleeping, which I reckon is kind of productive at least cause I'm resting.

I looked around at all the people sitting doing nothing. Thought maybe it'll be good if I did that too. Easier said than done.

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It grosses me out that I'm earning more than my mum, and I'm always broke and she never is. And she buys stuff for me more than I buy for her. And she's working, I'm working, but she's the one doing the housework, buying the dinner, etc. I have bouts of inspiration of helping her, but it never outlasts the school holidays. When I look at the piles in my room, I reckon I

my interesting experiences

These couple weeks I did a few things I haven't done for years.

1. Staying home almost the whole time for 2 weeks.

Haven't been so sick in years... at least, in my memory, which isn't that good, really.

2. Drank 4 bottles of cough syrup without stopping, through the 2 weeks lah, not at one go, I'm not suicidal.

My mum always said cough syrup is poison. I looked it up on the web, it was quite true. Does that mean I've been poisoned? I think so.

The first 3 bottles at least was the cherry flavored kind that doctors gave everyone, including little kids, so I guess it wasn't that bad. Then when I saw him for the 4th time... I guess he was sick of seeing me too... (I don't have a choice, the 3rd bottle was empty.) He gave me this bottle that I knew must be very very lethal... including more lethal pills and antibiotics, I never knew people get antibiotics for coughs before, it must be bad.

It was LETHAL. I ate it and slept and slept and slept. Then woke up, ate it again, and promptly fell asleep again. And again. It was like I was trying to make up for all the previous months of lack of sleep...

Which was a good thing, 'cause before this lethal medicine, I couldn't sleep at all at night (due to cough, not insomnia, I never have insomnia, I love to sleep) for a week. So I

3. Slept sitting up for a week and a half. I tried to pile all the pillows in my room together, but it still wasn't high enough. It wasn't easy to sleep sitting up without being in a lecture, though.

4. Had bread, butter, condensed milk, hot water and cough syrup as my staple diet in replacement of rice and bread. I daren't eat anything else. Everything nice is heaty or spicy or chilly or generally shouldn't be eaten when you're sick.

What a boring entry, well, I suffered, so that's my way of making you suffer with me. :> 有福同享 ...

5. Read 2 and a half story books in a day, one after another.

They were from the children's section, so doesn't take that long. It's not picture books, though, it's the kind with small words. My lecturer calls them chapter books. The thing is I haven't done this kind of marathon reading for a while, feels great. But mustn't do it again, lots to do. Maybe I'll do it once every holiday...