After Term One

Actually dun want to write, should go sleep. But need to write, to reflect upon the things for the whole term. Writing here cos not sure wat'll come out. Not sure if I'm ready for many many pple to read it yet.

Was very apprehensive of the beginning of this year. Cos I know it was going to be a real busy life again, and the last time I didn't handle it real well. I dun want to live everyday dreading it, that's not life. I want life in all its abundance!

School-wise, the first few weeks, esp the first, was scary. I felt like there's no time to eat or sleep, exhausted everyday, I was shocked. I thought if that was the way I was supposed to work everyday for a long time, I sure wasn't going to make it. I'd better find a way to deal with it soon.

It got better when I learnt to let things go a little, and not take things so hard. And maybe learnt to skive a little :>. The strange thing was that although I was working longer hours (10 or so) and had no leave to take, I din dread going to work everyday like last time, though I only worked 9 hours that time, and had lunch and all (now I dun). I take it as a sign that teaching is the right path for me.

I grew to love the kids, my Chinese teacher called them my 宝贝, which, well, I do find them really endearing even if they make my blood boil sometimes. I'll take a picture of every single one of them before I go.

---

My grandmother's death was the first time I really faced death in my life. It was the first time I looked at a corpse. That time before they put her into the coffin, one of her hands was like hanging out of the cloth covers. In a stiff way. Some thing 'mortis', I think they call it. Meaning bodies get stiff when they're cold. It gave me a strange feeling. Like how could that hand that was so soft, in fact fragile-ly soft when I touched it just the last two days, now become just a ... THING. A thing that's not living anymore. That death changes so much, it make that which was so dear to you hours ago, become a thing, without meaning.

Grieving seemed to be specifically disallowed at funerals. Everyone talked in detail about arrangements to be made and tasks to be carried out, who was where doing what. If anyone seemed likely to start crying, we change the topic. Or we say are you alright, so that person would brace himself to control his face. Nobody gave anyone a hug to let them have a good cry. People told me not to touch them, so as not to make them cry!

All those rituals look so unreal to me. I wish I could tell them. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. But they wouldn't believe me. She's gone. You can't help her now. There really isn't anything you can do for her anymore. It won't help her. It doesn't matter. There's no point.

Only when I'm alone with the Lord, things look more real. I can cry and not feel I'm doing something wrong. And He won't go away, no matter how strange things go.

For nearly a month after that I thought things were fine. But there was something wrong with me, something stuck. Like something I left there and forgot to take out. Maybe didn't want to take, didn't want to see it because it was too horrible to see.

I still can't write about it yet. Don't know HOW to. WHERE is she? Who can tell me? How can I accept it? And there's nothing I can do. How do I live with that?

---

Someone said something to me. About what she's going thru, how she feels about certain people and what they did. She didn't say a single bad thing about me. At that time I didn't think about how I feel about the things she said at all. Only thought about how the situation was affecting her and all.

I think I'm emotionally retarded recently. Takes me a while to recognise my own feelings. I was reading something, totally irrelevant, and it suddenly struck me how hurt I felt over what she said. Very, very hurt. So that I stopped reading and just cried. And groaned. Because it hurts so much.

I was only trying to love her. Why must she make it so hard for me to love her? The worst is, I feel a little poisoned. I find myself uncertain how to love in certain areas she's mentioned. I find myself wondering if others have the same objections as she did which they never voiced. I wonder if I've been doing right, and suddenly, I dun quite feel I know how to love them at all!

I feel like running away. Dun have to love. Dun have to worry whether it's right. Dun have to love so much and then have people say such horrid horrid things over the love you've been giving sincerely out of your heart. That's so painful.

That time was reading the Gospels, reached the part where Jesus entered Jerusalem. Suddenly felt how Jesus must feel, when his disciples quarreled over the seats. He's loved and taught them for 3 years, haven't they learnt His heart? And one of them, one of those He washed the feet, he's going to betray Him! He must be so hurt. So hurt. And that's only the beginning.

And all of them are going to betray Him, He's going to be hurt by them, and go on to be hurt more by dying for them! He didn't want to run away. He didn't say, sorry, I feel hurt, I need time to recuperate, I can't die on the cross today. He didn't have time! He had to take it all, one after another.

Not comparing my hurt to His, mine is so tiny. But it did show me a lot about what it really means to love unconditionally. To love, and your love go unappreciated, let yourself be hurt, and then go and love some more. And let yourself be hurt some more. Ouch. Ouch. How did He do it? I dun feel I can do it.

And that's the way He has been loving me, long before I was born, and now, day after day, year after year. Haven't I hurt Him? I have hurt Him far more than that girl ever hurt me.

When He gave me the answer 'die' I was actually so shocked I jumped. Physically. (I mean physically jumped, not physically die) I'm already so hurt You want me to die? That hurts!

But that was exactly what He meant. Only when that part that is hurt dies, then He can replace it with something new, something whole, not hurt. Best of all, something that will not love with human love, because the part that is hurt, the human part, is unable to love anymore. Something that will love with His better love. And the hurt will bring about death that will result in something new that's better. That can love not out of my resource, out of HIS resource. Something more humble. Something more focused, more dependent on Him.

That was what Jesus did in Gethesame. He was hurt, and without pause, He went on to consent to die. That's the kind of love that can love after it is hurt. That's the kind of love I have to have if I were to really love them. That's the kind of love He wants to give me. But it must die first. Love that must die first!

I must learn this kind of love, for I must love. But for now, I'm still in the garden.

School Days

Haven’t read email and do all those internet things for ages. I hope nobody’s mad at me for forgetting something or other. Think I’m very apathetic these days, which is not like me. And yet very needy. Very, very needy. I wonder why. Is it my work environment? I don’t want to be apathetic.

So many things happened. Haven’t written about them. Sometimes I write for people to read. Sometimes I write to keep a record for myself. Sometimes to clear my head. And now I wonder, why should I write? Or not write?

Don’t have time to write. So many times so many frustrations. Just go to sleep. In the long run that’s not good for me. But sometimes you just can’t write when so many things are waiting for you to do them. Or you think they’re there waiting for you to do them.

Sometimes just want to be alone. Wish to be alone. Like in school days when at least once in a while you get time to be alone, even if it’s just exam times when you have to spend time alone studying.

Like getting some peace and quiet. I can’t say I haven’t grown, I have learnt lots of things. Learnt to talk. But at what price? Not at the price of peace, is it worth it?

But then I thought I couldn’t cope with such a schedule at the beginning. But now it doesn’t look that bad. Or at least doesn’t look so killing. Survivable.

But I can’t live to do. Lord, I really need You to tell me what to do. How to live? Do everything? Not do everything?

Sometimes even when I have time to be alone I just do some things, waste time. Too stoned to do anything else. I think I’m still finding my balance, haven’t found it yet.

I don’t just want to do things. Even if it looks like a constructive life and I’m doing meaningful things. I want to walk with the Lord. Closely. I want to really serve people, lovingly, not zombie-ly. I want to be passionate about what I do, not let it become a routine. I want to believe in what I do, even if people look down on it, or it doesn’t fit the world’s standards about what’s worthwhile.

Sometimes I think I need a little retreat, a little peace. I do. But that’s not the real solution, I need an everyday, on-going relationship with Jesus. He’s my rest.