I'm seriously not supposed to be here. Went back to school on Fri to hand in an essay, heard everyone agree this's the worst 'holiday' they ever had. Who ever heard of a holiday where you spent everyday from morning to night typing on your computer and reading notes, that is, other than finding a few hours to sleep, gulping down your dinner so you could go back and work some more?
I could spend more time grumbling. But if I'm going to spend some time being crazy, I better do it more enjoyably. I have a mad urge to play some silly computer game for a few hours. Or to do something on the computer I actually enjoy, instead of work and more work. Which is why I am here.
The reason why I don't write, is usually when I start I can't stop. So I can't afford to start.
People usually say I'm a reflective person, or that I think too much, depending on which way you look at it.
Thought a bit more of one of my 'life analogies' on the way home today.
Life is like sitting in a car.
When you're little you sit in the backseat. Things around you are all taken care of, you don't quite know how. You get moved from place to place, you don't have much say about it. On the other hand, you don't have to worry, no responsibilities. Sometimes bad things do still happen to you. It could be your driver's fault, or another car's fault, and you suffer badly for it. Anyhow there still isn't anything you can do, you just sit.
When you're older, they tell you you can learn to drive. They give you a learner's plate and you begin to do some of the things you've always taken for granted would happen all by themselves. You learn being able to control things can be fun, and very satisfying, but it comes with responsibilities. You can't just drowse in the car anymore. The good thing is the emergency brakes and that extra rearview mirror that experienced person beside you have. You always know even if you lose control, that person with the foresight and hindsight can step on your brakes and make sure you don't crash.
One fine day they give you a little piece of paper. It could be a cert, sometimes it's a driving licence. You're qualified, they tell you. You're exhilarated. Yesterday you were a learner, they wouldn't let you go alone/drive on the expressway. Today, you can do anything you like!
You try it for a bit. It was a little harder than you thought. For one thing, they never let you on the expressways before. You never knew it was much more complicated here. And now you're alone. You try to ask for some advice. People try to give you space to grow. "You can do it, just try." They give you some general advice. "It's just guts, just do it." You slow down, unsure. "Hey, you're acting like a learner, you're supposed to be qualified. Hurry, stop holding us up."
Nobody believes me anymore. They don't believe I can't do it. I dunno why. Acutually I'm really scared. 人命关天，really, 人命关天! What if I knock someone down, even if I never meant to? What if my best just isn't enough, I just can't multitask enough to drive? What if I simply cannot cope on my own? It's lives in my hands, people keep telling me, lives in my hands. I know. I never said I could do it. I even asked God for permission to get out of the people line. I didn't get it.
What if I taught people the wrong things, and it really affects them? I dun want to tie a big milestone around my neck and jump into the sea. What if I knock someone down? They could die! I don't want to go to jail.
Sometimes I wonder, I'm only 24. I've never been in a relationship before, I know nuts about BGR. And then suddenly, I'm supposed to know how to guide people with their relationship problems! And I'm accountable to God! How am I supposed to know how, from theory lessons?
I guess now it's at least better than before. I know the general goal of what I'm doing, and I actually like the things I'm doing. At least kind of motivated.
It's the amount that's the problem. If I'm given plenty of time to delve deep and be proactive, great, I'd love to do it, seriously. Now I'm pushed like mad and you expect excellence from me, 我就挂了。How do you expect a person whose deepest desire for the moment is actually to get some sleep, or sort out some of the mess in her life, to go do over and above her duty, seek excellence, do her best, no negligence???
The number of wrong things I've done this year, I must be the most irresponsible person on earth. The strange thing is I haven't got any scolding from God all the while. I thought I got scoldings before for lesser stuff. Maybe He knows pressure from Him also, 我就死定了。
Last week there was this lady I knew vaguely, she came up to me in the middle of the service and said she had a word for me. It was so accurate it was freaky, she said she sensed it while she was standing behind me! Wah, so power one... The one word I remembered was 'Approval'. It was so unexpected. The last thing I feel is approved. Loved unconditionally, yes. But approved, a person who did so many things wrong, is not even trying to do some of them right, so messed up she doesn't know where to begin clearing up (like my room), approved?
My English teacher told me I could teach. She refused to believe me when I told her I can't talk. It was a great encouragement, I really need it, coming from all the curses I heard from that principal (but I'm blessed beyond the curse! Must remember) She based her assessment on 3 minutes of teaching, so I'm not sure to believe her so much yet, but it sure is good to see a signpost that says you're traveling in the right direction, esp when you've been seeing some signs from crazy people that you're going in totally the wrong way.
So now people don't believe I can't do it anymore. Seemingly even God doesn't believe me. Ha ha ha ha ... ... I would say they don't know how confused I actually am, but God does know. I tell Him everyday. :>
(to my theologically correct fren, pardon me for being irreverent, this's supposed to be a vent)
But seriously I sometimes do think of giving up. (As in work or ministry, not God) I'm sick of working day and night, it's driving me crazy. I need to think, but if I take time off to do that, as I'm doing now, I know I actually have to suffer the consequences later, ie, even less sleep, feel like screaming, etc. So I'm suppose to suffer for wanting to straighten out my thoughts, half the time I'm either not sure I'm doing the right thing, or doing it the right way, or I'm trying to skive off something, or is so bogged down by work I can't think straight. Make that nearly all the time, not half. I wish I could have a break, but I'm not due for one, at least not in my calendar, and not in God's (I think)
Living by faith should be very resting right? I am finding it rather tiring at the moment, because of the constant dissonance. I feel I can't do it, do it anyway. I'm not sure I have the ability, go ahead by faith! Now, did God ever say living by faith is supposed to be resting? I don't remember, someone remind me pls.
God's plans can be like, 400 years for the people to be in Egypt, 40 years for Moses to be in the dessert. 4 years (of BONDAGE) seems stretch before me like an infinite eternity, and after that the plans just look even more scary. Sometimes 4 days is a loonnnggg time... when working, that is.
I feel a littled bit...vented. Actually this entry could be written a different way.
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I have an English teacher who told me I could teach. It's just a little statement to her, I take it as a great encouragement from God.
People believe in me.
I have people to disciple, ie, I have the great privilege of serving God.
I've done many things wrong, but nobody really scolded me. I've been given so much grace.
I have a driving licence! What to do, I shall just have to ask for journey mercy, for me and everyone else on the road, each time I drive. Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own (ability to drive), in all your (steering) acknowledge Him, and He will make (sure you don't hit anything)...
I have a great God who loves me everyday. That's more than many many words can say. That's more than whatever else can happen.
I am approved by God (strangely)
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Told you I can't stop writing once I start.
This crazy girl has managed to spend the 2 hours she cannot afford on something she doesn't absolutely have to do.
Now I go suffer my consequences.
God is still good. I believe it. Don't you?
